So, where do we go from here?

It doesn't really even matter where "here" is, as few intend to stay wherever their here may be. There's the constant yearning to be somewhere else, under some other "once upon a time" or "someday" circumstances. Call it greener grass or cabin fever, we all have it in some way.

So, where do we go from here?

Out or In?

The tendency is out. Get out, venture out, try it out, keep going till you're out of gas. Perhaps in is better. Getting in, venturing within. Or maybe the truest answer is both. Reaching in to give out. Cultivating within what we exude outward. Stepping out while exploring the in.

Yup, that seems good.

So, where do we go from here?

Here.

"...As long as we fall forward"

There's no way I could explain in some neat little package what has happened in my life since my last blog entry. It's as if everything has been turned on its head, shaken, dropped out of its protective sac and tossed about. And yet, I know that however painful it is for me, there are so many other people out there who would look at what I've been through, and know that they themselves went through more difficult circumstances. But then, would anyone who suffered real pain do that? Or would they have cultivated the empathy to look at my pain, and see a pain deserving of respect and tenderness?

I lost my Mom. She was my everything. I had to learn to survive without her, and to somehow singlehandedly fill the roles she left behind - probating her estate, managing our household, and caring for my special needs brother, who seemed ok on the outside, but was grieving in his own way. I had to grow up much too fast, and learn to maneuver the opinions of others while standing strong in my own opinions, especially when it came to making critical decisions for my family. I had to re-learn to trust most of the people with whom I have my closest relationships.

Then, I learned that I have to get ready to be someone else's everything - the little boy growing inside me. He's helpless, and wholly dependent upon my husband and I. But my own spirit often feels like a baby, yearning to cry and to let myself be helpless, cradled in the arms of someone or something in which I can place absolute trust.

Sometimes my husband could be that someone. Sometimes he couldn't. Sometimes I could feel the presence of those who connect with us in spirit. Mostly, I couldn't. Sometimes I could be happy. For a while, I couldn't.

But things are slowly improving. I reached out for help, and some great people caught my hand and steadied me enough to be able to take some real steps forward. I made some important decisions. And now, I'm back in Lausanne. The lovely parks and city streets don't hold the same magic for me as last year - it seems like the honeymoon period has passed - but that magic may have been replaced with something else. A sort of quiet steadiness, as if to say "We understand you're not enchanted by us right now. That's ok. The magic will be here when you're ready for it." I appreciate the patience.

So, it seemed appropriate to, albeit tentatively, step back into the blogging world too. My entries might not be quite as bursting with optimism as before, but hey, it's a start.

Thanks for caring enough to be here with me.

Parc de Mon Repos

I'm relieved to say that this more recent discovery was made without any detractions of feeling back about not coming home on time. I came here one day while Dominique was busy studying, and I knew my being out of the shoebox would help his concentration. We had visited once before with some friends to just the first portion of the park, the "field of boats" you can see in the 1st photo. I could sense that there was much more to see, and I was so right. This place just blows my mind in how much beauty is contained in such a compact space... it's something of an analogy to Switzerland, actually. So much within such small confines.

So far I've noticed (in addition to the expected pathways and jogging paths) the field of boats, the blue globe, at least three fountains, a playground, an amphitheater, a cafe, two beautiful ponds, and a public aviary with WHITE peacocks. Yup.

Amidst all this beauty, I found myself asking the question, "How can a country with so much phenomenal beauty still have so many people who smoke? How can anyone here be depressed?" I posed these questions to my good friend Kristen, and she gave me some important insight. For people like me, beauty and communion with nature fills the soul and brings peace, but for different kids of people, that's not enough. There are holes that beautiful things just cannot fill. Those sorts of holes need things like family, and spirituality. I needed to hear that.

That got me wondering - what do spaces and places like this mean to me? Are they simply meant to be places to park my tush and read? Places to de-stress? To reflect? To create? All of these are valid and true, but is that enough? Is it enough for me to do such things in such an exquisite place, while people all over the world just try to get by in situations too challenging for my relatively pampered mind to comprehend? I mean, the birds in this park have been given a level of shelter and sustenance billions of people wish they could have. Is it fair to claim this beautiful space solely for my personal enjoyment?

The purpose that seems most complete to me is this: places like Parc de Mon Repos are, for me, places to pause and soak in the potential for what our world could be like. As we might say in my faith, Unificationism, this park is an image of Cheon Il Guk (the kingdom of heaven), that we might find inspiration to help the whole world become this beautiful and blessed and peaceful. It's this purpose for the park that most satisfies me, and brings me the most peace when it surrounds me.

So I took the metro down to Ouchy...

I said I’d be gone for only a half hour. That was not correct. And for some reason, I figured the DH wouldn’t mind, and might not even notice. But he did. He called, wondering where I was. I thankfully was already on my way back when he called, but his concern and underlying disappointment hit me. He is truly a man of his word - if he tells you something, unless it’s a completely obvious joke, he sticks to it. Naturally, he expects the same of those around him. I hate letting him down. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to mind too much. But it left me with a pretty strong reminder to be a person of integrity, even with the little things.

My current occupation

So, after about 3 weeks of exploration and relative idleness, I'm now occupied! Nope, it's not an occupation in the sense that it's a paying job, but it is work. But before I get into that, here’s what my commute looks like:

Not bad, huh? :)

Perhaps I should clarify. This is what Leg #3 of my commute looks like; Leg #1 is a short metro ride from the CHUV to Ours, and Leg #2 is a bus from Place d’Ours to the bus terminal called Val-Vert. Lately I’ve taken to walking from Val-Vert to Belmont, the town where I’m volunteering, because why wait 30 minutes for a bus when walking takes nearly the same time? And with views like this, exercise has become so much more appealing :)

I really enjoy the work I’ve been doing. I scored this “job” (that pays no money) from a member of our local church, who is super-involved with leading our church’s various peace organizations. Of them, I am involved in 3: the Universal Peace Federation (UPF), the Women’s Federation for World Peace (WFWP), and the Geneva Interfaith Intercultural Alliance (GiiA). GiiA’s the main one I’m involved with; it includes a youth simulation of an Inter-religious Peace Council, which is meeting on the 23^rd of September! I am in the speakers’ list as a delegate representing my faith, Unificationism, and will be speaking on what sorts of concrete action I think the council could take to promote inter-religious and intercultural cooperation. It’s exciting, but intimidating as well; hundreds of people will be there, and I really hope I don’t come off as an uninformed buffoon. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes!

Room Tour 2.0

Ok, you guys. When I first showed you our shoebox, I think I made it pretty clear that this was one real student pad. Well, we’re moving on up!

No, we’re not moving out. We’re just improving.

Observe:

The bed and headboard - before: (note the uninspiring stack of books and miscellany)

And after!! One of my main motivations to reworking our room was that I really missed having an altar, a dedicated spot where I could focus on praying, reading, and writing in my journal. Note the fabulous orchid! I won this gorgeous plant during an impromptu singing competition in Zurich (more on that later.)

Next up, the closet - before:

And after! No huge changes, just my corkboards for jewelry and important papers (yes, a 20% coupon for FNAC is a big deal. For those who were wondering, FNAC is our Best Buy.)

Next up, the table, otherwise known as the big catch-all. Before:

And after. Doesn't look a whole lot better. In fact, in some respects it's worse. But in our defense, Dominique's back in school now. At least we don't have this sad little pretend altar in the middle of our random crap.

And, le piece de resistance: the kitchen area! First the before:

And now, featuring cabinetry and countertops!!

Well, not really. But for me, it’s as if I did a real reno!

This little kitchen area had no proper area to dry dishes. In exploring my local options online, I took notice of a three-level vertical dish dryer from Ikea. When my dear MIL offered this little metal cart to me, I immediately saw its purpose. And whodathunk, it fits perfectly! It’s become a nice little hub for drying as well as storing our dishes, and I’m so proud.

Likewise, when I saw this dumb little particleboard shelf in the garage of the in-laws, I knew it was meant to be mine. And of course, in true destiny fashion, it fit perfectly too, and has been of immense help lately come dinner time!

So yes. Laugh if you want. Roll your eyes at the waste of time reading this entry may have been for you. But these little things, in such a little space, pack a BIG punch. They've made my day to day life easier, and therefore have earned their place in my heart.

Ok, back to your nice big homes. I'll be here, enjoying my shoebox :)

Creating

While I was in Bourg-en-Bresse, I did a bit of crafting.

It started out with these canvases I bought at what is currently my favorite store in the whole wide world, Cultura - it's basically a cross between Barnes & Noble and AC Moore. I set up shop on my family's balcony, and got to painting.

My original plan for these was to paint something pretty, and then turn the canvases into an unconventional bulletin board.

But the more I painted, the more I started to drift from the idea, until I completely changed my mind. They’re just too pretty…

Overall, I've learned two things:

1) This may have been the first time I've painted on canvas, but it will not be the last.

2) Creating is the yum of the spirit, spread out for others to see.